Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Birds fly over the rainbow, then why can't I?

The Valentine's Day show was a week ago today exactly. It was such a whirlwind of a day, I can't even begin to tell you. Ok, that's a lie...I'll certainly try to tell you. For some moments of the day, it seemed as if nothing more could go wrong! Yes, go wrong. I felt my faith challenged to the core. "Everything is working together for our good," I would tell Naomi as we'd laugh (to keep from crying) about the silly things that seemed to be getting in the way of having a successful night. Here's a quick timeline of the 24 hour craziness.

  • Monday, 8pm: Naomi is supposed to be arriving to my house at this time but instead calls me to tell me her car has broken down, she's in Maryland, and took the car to the dealer who just informed her it'll be $2000 to fix. (So Naomi ends up trading in her car that night, and gets a great deal on a newer car, and makes it to NYC at 3am)
  • Tuesday, 10am: Because we got a late start, we ended up not getting as much rehearsal time, but Tuesday morning (with groggy eyes and all) we get up, get ready, and rehearse. Meanwhile, some people who we were relying on to help us out with merch items, and so forth...end up bailing last minute, so the merch items were still to be finished, but we HAD to rehearse first and foremost, so that's what we did.
  • Tuesday, 2:30pm: Then before we left, I attempted to print some things out before the show, but of course I ran out of printing paper so had to scramble to find scraps...and it was a disaster in my apartment all the while, and we were now running late...
  • Tuesday, 3:00pm: We get everything ready and head in to the City to meet up with the band to do one last rehearsal. I get a text message from our drummer, "I'm not going to make the rehearsal and probably not making the show, in the ER, I'll explain later." What? First of all, are you safe, and second of all, I have no drummer. (Side note: medical emergency he and his wife had to attend to was a totally legit excuse though...for real, so no hard feelings). My stomach felt like I had a pit in it...but I continued to tell myself..."Everything is going to work out fabulously..."
  • Tuesday 5:26pm: During rehearsal, I got a parking ticket (Gotta love NYC parking police)
  • Tuesday 6:45pm: Then Naomi and I get stuck in Valentine's Day traffic (Yes, stuck. Meaning, the light would go from green to yellow to red and you haven't moved more than 5 feet)
  • Tuesday, 7:25pm: We decide we're better off just parking and walking the half a mile to the venue because traffic was so bad. So we carry all our crap while walking as fast as possible, and my arms feel like they're going to fall off.
  • Tuesday, 7:45pm: We get to the venue and head back stage. Guess who I meet there?? I meet Tony Lucca and Sarah Bareilles before my show back stage (Yes, that's right, I met them and had a quick chat before I went on stage...this is no lie. Tony had a show before and after our Valentine's Day show...I was amazed and frankly a little intimidated.)
  • Tuesday 8:05pm: Then while on stage, my acoustic guitar chord wasn't plugged in all the way, so it cuts out during my first song. (But we fixed it...don't worry) Still sucked though.
  • ...And then I played my set. I was really trying hard to shake off all the anxiety that had built up from the past 24 hours, and I was trying hard to stay present and really enjoy the moment of the songs. (Sounds kind of cliche, but I really feel that that is when I perform best...when I'm totally present.) So as the show progressed, I felt myself slipping back into that ease and into what I like to call, the "sweet spot" of the performance. Actually, the rest of the night was pretty great. Great music, great friends, and delicious cookies and treats. After all, what more could go wrong at this point, right?

Whenever I experience stress like that, I often find myself asking "Self: why do you do all this again? What's the purpose behind it all?" ...And I find that it's a really good thing for me to ask myself, so that I can focus and get even more clear on what it is I am doing and going after. I have to go back to the source, for me...that means going back to God...and asking Him, "What exactly is it that you want me to do, and why and how?" I don't always get an answer to the "How" question, because for me...that's where faith comes into play...but I do get an answer that comes in various ways as to the "What and Why" questions. Why do I do this?? Because it's in my heart, to share music with the world, to use it as a way to move, inspire and uplift. I can't let fear get in the way of that.

Today, I wrote in my journal about all of this (because I get the day off from work, and am sick at home with strep throat), and I realized that the urge to quit playing, writing and performing can at times be very tempting. Even still...I learn from the set backs, I continue moving forward in directions that pull at me so hard sometimes, in ways I can't deny. The thought of giving up, it's even worse that the thought of failing. And the things I learn from the supposed "failures" are priceless. 

So I get back up, and try to fly over the rainbow, because why not? If birds can do it, then why can't I? Somewhere over the rainbow, there's a land where the dreams that we dare to dream really do come true. 

Here's a clip from the night..."Somewhere Over the Rainbow," one of my favs...hope you enjoy!




  1. Bianca - thank you for writing this...your sweet spirit, inspiring words and absolutely beautiful voice has helped get me back on track today...THANK YOU!

  2. Thank you so much Anna, you have no idea how happy that makes me, thank you for the comments and for always being such an amazing support. Hope you are well!

  3. I love you sister...wish I was there!