Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm a Mormon, Married, Musician...Mother?

Laying on the grass with Joseph on Mother's Day, 2012

Ok, before you make any assumptions...I'm not a mother (yet), and am not expecting. I just thought since yesterday was Mother's Day that I would write about these things that have been on my mind as of late related to Motherhood and other "M" words. I'll be the first to admit that these "M" words seem a bit odd to some. And actually I am a little bit odd to be completely honest. I've learned to embrace that. I am a Mormon. I do deeply believe in the doctrinal beliefs of Mormons. I believe I have a Heavenly Father who loves me (and everyone else for that matter) infinitely, and I have developed a personal relationship with Him as well as with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I came to this understanding through my own discoveries and experiences. I've actually never seen God with my own physical eyes, but I've felt Him in ways that are equally as powerful, and have seen His hand in my life on countless occasions. I just can't deny it. How grateful I am for the experiences that have helped me develop this believe, faith and relationship with God. It has become such a foundational part of me.

Here's the second truth- as most of you probably know...I am married. And to one of the greatest men on earth actually. I got married young, it's true. And I married young because it really felt right for me. There wasn't anyone else in the world I wanted to be with, ever! So we got married, and he and I are so much better together because of it. We'll have been married for 7 years this August (I can't believe it's been that long!!). I'm so grateful to have him in my life. I really am so blessed to be his wife. Really.

Thirdly, I am a musician (duh, this is my music blog after all). Not only do I practice music therapy during the day, but my life as a singer-songwriter is so much a part of me! I love it so much. I've recently learned that I have to start owning that a little more. I usually don't even mention that I am a singer-songwriter when people ask the predictable question of "What do you do?" I actually cringe when I hear that question because I automatically feel like whatever comes out of my mouth will ultimately determine what my worth and value to that person. "I'm a singer-songwriter and I perform around the city and tour a little around the country." To me there's something about that that doesn't sound very credible I guess. I don't know, or maybe I fear sounding narcissistic or something. But really, one of my greatest joys is creating music and sharing it with people. It tugs at my heart so much. Especially after a magical show where connections are made with the audience, or after writing a new song, or playing music with and collaborating among friends and other musicians. It brings me so much happiness. I honestly feel as though it is part of my purpose and/or calling in my life. I love it.

As for this last "M" word...being a mother. I am not a mother yet, no. However, the truth is...I want to be. I want to be so much so that it's a little painful even sometimes. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, but most especially in recent years. I have just had some infertility issues that have made it challenging. I usually don't talk about this too openly, mostly because I don't want people to feel awkward, and also because I fear the comments that often come after, "But you're so young! You've got plenty of time," "Wait, you want to have 4 kids! Why?!" "Maybe it's for the best, maybe you're not ready yet," or "Trust me, it's not that great anyway." I know no one means any harm in any comments they may make in our discussions about motherhood and wanting to be a mother, in fact usually people that I talk to about this are beyond compassionate and sensitive, and I really enjoy discussing my thoughts and feelings with them about it.

Sometimes though, people have asked me why I want to have children. From the outside perspective, if you look at my life, it is already so comfortable and may seem complete. Joseph and I have jobs we enjoy. We have a great marriage and we love each other a lot. We get to enjoy New York City, and I'm able to play music all around the city and even tour parts of the country. Why would we want anything to disrupt what we've already got going? That is a great question.

I want to be a mother because I feel it in my heart. It's almost as though my heart is going to burst with this love I feel for them, and I don't even know them yet. This innate desire continues to grow greater and greater as time goes by. There have been discouraging moments, and even a few tears shed because of it, but I have learned a lot through the process. I've learned that it's important to be happy, now. I can't wait for this future event to bring me happiness, it has to come from within me independent of my circumstances. I've learned that I need to strive everyday to be the best mother I can be for my future children. On the door of our apartment we have a sign that says, "Live in a way that your children would be proud." And that's what I try to do.

Meet Uncle Joe

I also want to be a mother because I can't wait to have babies with the man of my dreams. (Ha! That sounds a bit weird, but it's totally the truth). My husband is so good with kids, it's ridiculous. To see him with other people's children makes my heart melt...I can't even imagine how it will feel to see him play with our own. I can't wait to have a baby fall asleep on my shoulder. I can't wait to have them wrap their little fingers around mine. I can't wait to sing them to sleep and to kiss their cute chubby little face. I don't know exactly what it's like to be a mom, but I can only imagine that it's not going to be easy, and certainly won't be all fun and games. but I yearn for it in the deepest part of myself.

In fact, my song, "A Part of Me" was very much inspired by all of this. This song is basically the prayer I have in my heart. It's short and simple, but it is honest and genuine. Here's some footage of me recording it, I hope you enjoy. I also hope everyone had a very happy Mother's day. Mother's amaze me. Really really amaze me. I am grateful for their examples. I can't wait to be a mother someday too. In the meantime, I will try my best to live in a way that my children would be proud. In the meantime, I will strive to continue growing, sharing and learning so that I can be the best mother possible for my children when the time comes.

Thank you for reading and letting me share a part of myself with you.