Saturday, May 11, 2013

New video, roller coasters, and making wishes...

Have you ever made a wish on something before? ...Either on a star, or a birthday cake, or when you tossed a penny in a fountain? I grew up making wishes on things like that. I usually made a wish about a boy I had a crush on or something ridiculous like that. Actually, I remember several times making a wish that I would like roller coasters. I'm not kidding you, I was embarrassed by my dislike for roller coasters because I felt like I was always missing out on all the fun. I hated them though to be honest, and still kind of do.

There's really nothing quite like being the kid who has to wait at the exit for all their friends to get off the crazy roller coaster they just had so much fun on. You feel like the biggest party pooper ever. Yeah, that was me. Although, I did make an effort to fit in. Since everyone was having such a good time, I'd go on the roller coasters and convince myself that I could endure just 2 minutes of pure suffering and torture. That is honestly how I feel about them, even now. The pain in my stomach when I drop is so miserable, I have never been able to really get over it...so I've kind of learned to just suffer through it I guess. 

I've also never really enjoyed metaphorical roller coasters either. I'd much rather enjoy the thrill of a fast car then going up and down and back up again on a roller coaster. Despite my attempts to avoid roller coasters, or to wish that I'd someday magically enjoy the thrill of them, I am still faced with roller coasters, both literal and metaphorical, and they just don't seem to be going away. They are a part of life I've discovered. And to be honest, these past few months have been by far the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on. 

Some of you may have read my post last year on Mother's Day where I talked a little about my journey toward wanting to start a family. Joseph (my cute husband) and I have been wanting to have kids for what seems like the longest. Ok, so maybe I'm being dramatic, but it has almost been 4 years now that we've really been trying to prepare for having children, and wanting them so much that it hurts our hearts a little (or sometimes a lot). 

Last year I wrote this song called, "Wishing Well," which was inspired by my wise acupuncturist who pensively made the observation that often times, it is our wants that cause us so much pain. This past year has had it's particular ups and downs, has had plenty of joy as well as pain, and the want and wish to have children has been growing and growing within me, leaving an undeniable hole in my heart. I can't really think how else to describe it. 

Ups and downs this past year have included quite a lot...doctors appointments, blood work, waiting by my phone for the nurse to call back, dates with the hubby to the infertility specialist, grabbing jamba juice after our appointments to either console or celebrate, running late to work, running late to work again, having hot flashes in the most awkward places, sleeping with the window wide open during the coldest winter nights, seeing single lines on my pregnancy test, seeing that over and over again, seeing double lines on my pregnancy test, feeling like I was pregnant, feeling an incredible amount of excitement, feeling like I wasn't pregnant anymore, going to the ultrasound, finding no heartbeat, feeling love in overwhelming amounts, feeling loss in overwhelming amounts, learning the importance of hope, learning how to let go, learning how to continue striving for the best that is within me...no matter what the circumstances are, and finally, learning to trust that God is truly in the details of my life. 

I've been toying with the idea of writing about these experiences on my blog or not. I hesitate mostly because I don't want people to feel bad for me, or to feel pity- I promise I'm not seeking after that. I appreciate people's love and support, but I'm not trying to get attention or sympathy by expressing my experiences. I just want to explain a little more about what I'm learning. I feel like it's a huge part of the purpose behind the challenges and obstacles we face. Also because I want to know if you've experienced it, or how you coped, or what you learned along the way. I love that human connection. That's a huge part of why I love to share music. It's all about sharing those connections...learning, growing, and loving along the way.

While there have been a lot of "downs" recently, I can't deny that at the same time, there have been a whole lot of "ups." Hense...the roller coaster. One of those "ups" has been my process of writing and creating music. I haven't been performing as much recently due to all of this, but I've been writing. I'm so grateful for that. I recently wrote a song that I am in the process of recording right now. I can not wait to share it with you (hopefully in about a month). For now, I will leave you with this video that my friend Matt Sucich and I did of my song "Wishing Well." Lauren Merkley, my very talented sister-in-law, shot and edited the video. 



I hope you enjoy. I'll have more songs to come soon and I am excited to share them with you. Thank you for listening, for sharing and for being a part of this whole experience. 

All my love and warmest wishes,

Bianca

14 comments:

  1. Way to be brave and share this post. Beautiful song. All my hope and prayers for you.

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    1. Thanks Diana for the comment. I appreciate you reading and listening and most especially the hope and prayers. Xo.

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  2. Bianca, I loved reading this. It brought me to tears. You are such a strong, amazing woman. You guys are in our prayers. We love you!

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    1. Thanks Angie! Love you guys too!

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  3. As a birthmom, I feel a similar although different ache. I am sorry for the pains but grateful for your strength. Singing, writing and sharing is so therapeutic. Working with the Utah adoption Council I've listened and learned so much from women struggling with infertility and the heartache that comes with it. Your in our thoughts and may this story have a happy ending someday.

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    1. Thanks Bree! I love hearing things from your perfective as well. Thanks for sharing and for the happy wishes. Xo

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  4. Bathe in the strength of God's love and let his light shine over the two of you. He will not give you anything you cannot handle.

    Thank you for the song and your openness. Peace be to you from China.
    T

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    1. Thank you again for your kind messages Tim! I hope all is well with you in China.

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  5. I love you my sweet sister. This post made me cry. You bring so much strength to me and to those around you.

    P.S. How did I not know that you hated roller coasters??

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    1. What?! How did you not know that? I remember riding on that one boat ride that goes up high and comes down and swings back and forth with you and you thought I was going to throw up because of the face I was making. I'm surprised you didn't know of my dislike for them.

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  6. Sorrty, You got the roller coaster fobia thing from me. I can't stand even the ones at Dineyland but I do love fast cars.

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    1. Yeah, must be genetic perhaps. :)

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  7. I hate roller costers too! I screamed on the "kid" ones. B, you're such an inspiring person. We need to hang out more. I can't wait until you have a little of your own. That kid will be the most loved child ever! You two are great. Love you girl!

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  8. thank you for this beautiful song. i too am going thru the struggles of infertility and this song was much needed today. also love your song about hope. wishing you the best in your journey

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