Just putting it out there...

I don't even know where to begin.

I have had this pull to write on my blog for months now. For some reason, I've neglected it...maybe for fear of what I might say. So, to anyone out there who's wondering where I am...please forgive me.

My 6th grade teacher taught us Newton's law of motion, which I now have discovered applies to all aspects of life. "An object in motion tends to stay in motion and an object at rest tends to stay at rest." That's the best excuse I can come up with I guess. I've been at rest...and it's been much harder than I had thought it would be to get back into motion again.

I've been just taking each day, one day at a time. Somehow, all those days have added up to several years, and I'm not sure how that happened. Tonight, I decided to finally sort through a pile of medical bills, receipts, doctor's instructions, insurance claims, and other random pieces of paper that are related to infertility treatments. My heart has felt sad today. I think it's a combination of hormones that are still pumping through my veins, and also just a realization, and acceptance perhaps, that this is my life.

I think years ago, when I started down this path, I never imagined it would become such a huge part of my life, and for so long! That may even be why I never organized these papers until now. Perhaps there was a part of me that didn't want to acknowledge that this was going to be my life...and for years to come. Maybe I was hoping this would be a quick one time thing...with no filing necessary. However, as I enter my third year of these treatments, I realize that I can't just toss these papers into a pile anymore without wanting to pull my hair out.

Tonight, after I finished sorting this pile of medical mess, I have to admit, I felt so good. Organizing papers is never fun initially, but when you actually make it through the process, it's hard to look at your work and not smile. "Someday this will all be behind me," I thought to myself as I looked at this bulging file folder of papers. "I mean, eventually I'll be like 50 years old, and babies and having children will not be what weighs on my mind and heart the way that it does now. At least I hope so!" I've been trying to catch myself when I say or think things like that. Whenever I try to wish time would move faster, or could somehow rewind...it's a red flag to me that I am not living in the present. I try to remind myself that there is joy in now. But some days, it's just a little harder to find that and really feel it?

I took a moment to post a photo on Instagram of my pride and joy from tonight (the completed file folder of course). This obviously lead me to scrolling down the screen in order to catch up on what the rest of the world was doing tonight. I would stop and glance at the photos of blurry children bouncing on beds, and babies passed out from a hard days play. This always brings an odd sensation of joy mixed with a sting of yearning. The silence of our little one bedroom apartment suddenly seems deafening and without even realizing what is happening, I find tears streaming down my face before I can do anything to stop them.

I'm listening to a playlist that I entitled "Healing" because that's the kind of mood I'm in. I've listened to this playlist more than any other over the course of this year. There is a song on this playlist that a dear friend sent me last year after my miscarriage. It's by the Wallin' Jenny's and it's called "You are Here." The words haunt me because they are so true and so beautifully put.

You wonder why you wonder when
You wonder how now and then
How you became who you’ve become

You are here
And yet you dream of being there
Of being where you think the good life has begun

Every darkened hallway
Every fallen dream
Every battle lost and
Every shadow in between
Will bring you to your knees and
Closer to the reason

And there’s no making cases
For getting out or trading places
And there’s no turning back
No you are here


Um, yeah. Could those lyrics be any more perfect?! Seriously. I also love the last verse...

And every sign of love
Every seed that’s growing
Every sweet surrender
To that silent knowing
Will bring you to your knees and
Closer to the reason

Yes. Seeds are growing...both literally and spiritually. I am so grateful for that. Even if they are still struggling to make their way to the surface, they are under there, somewhere. I just know it.


With all my heart,

Bianca