Hope versus doubt, and a free download...

It's a beautifully overcast rainy August day today in New York City, and I have been able to create a most lovely day out of it. There is a pot of chicken and vegetable soup on the stove that I have been brewing all morning long, and while tinkering around in the kitchen, I've been playing with the idea of finally posting on my blog again.

Now I get to sit here and open my heart up to you about a few things. You see, I have just a few more short days of Summer left before I go back to work next week. I am both excited and a little apprehensive about the school year that lies ahead. When I look back at the year I just undertook, I shudder at the thought that this coming year could be equally or even more difficult than the previous year was. I think about the "roller coaster" in which I just rode on, and while I learned a lot and gained so much, I have to admit that I don't really want to hop on again even though I know I must. However, I am truly grateful that I even have the opportunity to ride on the roller coaster at all. That seems ironic, doesn't it?

I must say though, I feel hopeful for this "new year." I know it's not technically a new year, but I always think of "back to school" as a new beginning of sorts. Yet, there are still so many unknowns to what lies ahead, and with that come all the doubts tumbling through my mind as well.

These feelings are all related to a song I have recently released as a free download. The song is entitled "Hope" and you can hear it and download it here:



Last year, around this time, this song was born one day after work when I was walking to my car with a co-worker who was telling me about her daughter. She was explaining to me how much work it was to have her. I thought about her comment and said in response, "But would you have it any other way?" She thought for a moment and then said, "No, I guess I wouldn't." We then parted ways, and it got me thinking...I had recently had a big load on my plate, and many of those responsibilities had been taken off for one reason or another. I felt liberated at first...but then I started to feel sort of empty. It was also around this time that I was beginning infertility treatments. This was when the song unfolded as I began to learn about these opposing forces...hope versus doubt, joy versus pain, love versus loss...and it became extremely clear to me how important hope was in motivating me to move forward. It truly felt like the light that was guiding me through a dark tunnel of the unknown. I also noticed that maintaining hope was difficult. I would go from being hopeful, to doubtful, and then to hopeful again...all in even just one hour! It was exhausting and yet rewarding. Strange how that works.

So, with that background on this little song of mine, I invite you to listen and hope you enjoy. I will say in closing that this recording would not have been possible had it not been for Matt Sucich who recorded, played on it and produced it, as well as Amy Vachal and Jamie Bendell who also sang the harmonies with me. They are dear friends and truly, truly talented musicians. 

Lastly, thank you dear reader, for reading, listening and for being a part of this musical journey of mine.

With all my heart,

Bianca

New video, roller coasters, and making wishes...

Have you ever made a wish on something before? ...Either on a star, or a birthday cake, or when you tossed a penny in a fountain? I grew up making wishes on things like that. I usually made a wish about a boy I had a crush on or something ridiculous like that. Actually, I remember several times making a wish that I would like roller coasters. I'm not kidding you, I was embarrassed by my dislike for roller coasters because I felt like I was always missing out on all the fun. I hated them though to be honest, and still kind of do.

There's really nothing quite like being the kid who has to wait at the exit for all their friends to get off the crazy roller coaster they just had so much fun on. You feel like the biggest party pooper ever. Yeah, that was me. Although, I did make an effort to fit in. Since everyone was having such a good time, I'd go on the roller coasters and convince myself that I could endure just 2 minutes of pure suffering and torture. That is honestly how I feel about them, even now. The pain in my stomach when I drop is so miserable, I have never been able to really get over it...so I've kind of learned to just suffer through it I guess. 

I've also never really enjoyed metaphorical roller coasters either. I'd much rather enjoy the thrill of a fast car then going up and down and back up again on a roller coaster. Despite my attempts to avoid roller coasters, or to wish that I'd someday magically enjoy the thrill of them, I am still faced with roller coasters, both literal and metaphorical, and they just don't seem to be going away. They are a part of life I've discovered. And to be honest, these past few months have been by far the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on. 

Some of you may have read my post last year on Mother's Day where I talked a little about my journey toward wanting to start a family. Joseph (my cute husband) and I have been wanting to have kids for what seems like the longest. Ok, so maybe I'm being dramatic, but it has almost been 4 years now that we've really been trying to prepare for having children, and wanting them so much that it hurts our hearts a little (or sometimes a lot). 

Last year I wrote this song called, "Wishing Well," which was inspired by my wise acupuncturist who pensively made the observation that often times, it is our wants that cause us so much pain. This past year has had it's particular ups and downs, has had plenty of joy as well as pain, and the want and wish to have children has been growing and growing within me, leaving an undeniable hole in my heart. I can't really think how else to describe it. 

Ups and downs this past year have included quite a lot...doctors appointments, blood work, waiting by my phone for the nurse to call back, dates with the hubby to the infertility specialist, grabbing jamba juice after our appointments to either console or celebrate, running late to work, running late to work again, having hot flashes in the most awkward places, sleeping with the window wide open during the coldest winter nights, seeing single lines on my pregnancy test, seeing that over and over again, seeing double lines on my pregnancy test, feeling like I was pregnant, feeling an incredible amount of excitement, feeling like I wasn't pregnant anymore, going to the ultrasound, finding no heartbeat, feeling love in overwhelming amounts, feeling loss in overwhelming amounts, learning the importance of hope, learning how to let go, learning how to continue striving for the best that is within me...no matter what the circumstances are, and finally, learning to trust that God is truly in the details of my life. 

I've been toying with the idea of writing about these experiences on my blog or not. I hesitate mostly because I don't want people to feel bad for me, or to feel pity- I promise I'm not seeking after that. I appreciate people's love and support, but I'm not trying to get attention or sympathy by expressing my experiences. I just want to explain a little more about what I'm learning. I feel like it's a huge part of the purpose behind the challenges and obstacles we face. Also because I want to know if you've experienced it, or how you coped, or what you learned along the way. I love that human connection. That's a huge part of why I love to share music. It's all about sharing those connections...learning, growing, and loving along the way.

While there have been a lot of "downs" recently, I can't deny that at the same time, there have been a whole lot of "ups." Hense...the roller coaster. One of those "ups" has been my process of writing and creating music. I haven't been performing as much recently due to all of this, but I've been writing. I'm so grateful for that. I recently wrote a song that I am in the process of recording right now. I can not wait to share it with you (hopefully in about a month). For now, I will leave you with this video that my friend Matt Sucich and I did of my song "Wishing Well." Lauren Merkley, my very talented sister-in-law, shot and edited the video. 

I hope you enjoy. I'll have more songs to come soon and I am excited to share them with you. Thank you for listening, for sharing and for being a part of this whole experience. 

All my love and warmest wishes,

Bianca

Things for me are shifting...

Happy Summer Everyone!

These last few days have been so beautiful here in New York City. In fact, yesterday evening I took a jog around my neighborhood and soaked up every minute of it. I saw American flags waving in people's front yards, kids playing games in the street, old couples enjoying the night on their front porch, and the golden hue that covers everything for a brief moment while the sun sets. It only lasts for a short while, but it is arguably one of my favorite times of the day. What an amazing time of year this is...so worth the wait in my opinion.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I decided that during the month of July, I was going to gather myself together, reflect on what it was exactly that I was doing, and I was going to get clearer on my vision for my future. For a while, I've been feeling like I've been living in "default mode," which to me means, "coasting." I wasn't very clear on why I was doing what I was doing, and it started to get fuzzy...my purpose that is.

So here we are now already approaching mid July somehow, and I've actually discovered a lot in this short time of reflection. As far as my music is concerned...I decided that I am going to guard my time a little more carefully. This to me means that I am shifting things around a little...my priorities I guess, and the way I choose to spend my time is going to be more carefully assessed. Time is so valuable. So I decided that with regards to my music, I am going to be focusing less on playing live shows all the time, and more time on writing, and sharing my music online. I will play shows still, of course! But I may only do one or two shows in New York City every season, and then I'll continue to do little tours here and there, and on top of that...I'll continue writing, and posting video's and free downloads, and all that great stuff. I want to reach more people, but if I play a ton of shows in New York City, and if that takes up most of my time, funds and energy, then I won't have as much time and energy to write and share my music with all of you that don't live here in New York! And since I currently can't go visit all of you at the moment, then I will just visit some of you, and then will share music online with the rest. So there you have it, that's my new plan.

Other areas of my life are shifting as well, and it's so refreshing. It feels a little empty because I'm getting rid of the overload, but I know that in time it is going to feel so good, almost like the way you feel after cleaning out your closet. I actually started writing a song about this whole process this week, and hopefully I'll post a video to share it with you in the next few weeks once it's finished. My goal is to post one video a week. Today I'm going to start with a video that I am so excited to share because I got to be a part of this amazing group of other singer-songwriters that are based out of New York City, and it has all been compiled here on the NYC Music Collective page. If you want to hear some great artists and singer-songwriters...seriously, go check it out. You'll be pleased you did, I guarantee it. I'll post my clip from the NYC Music Collective here for you to also see and hear. Feel free to share it, and be ready for more to come soon!


ARTIST 05 - Bianca Merkley from ROCK*iT FiLMS on Vimeo.



With love always,

Bianca